The Ultimate Guide to Gratuitous German
by Pandir
Summary: Have you ever been writing some nice Ace Attorney fanfiction involving the Gavins  or any other German characters for that matter  and suddenly felt the desperate wish for someone to help you with your German? Then this little Guide might be helpful!


**karnimolly** and I both are fanfiction authors, fans of Ace Attorney and first and foremost: we are German :D So this collaboration is meant to provide you with a little assistance.

**The Ultimate Guide to Gratuitous German in Gavincest Fanfiction (and Fanfictions Involving the Gavins in General)  
(UGGGGF(FIGG))**

Everyone loves making our favorite German lawyers talk German in their fanfiction, and I am certainly no exception, for I adore this language a lot.  
But as much as it pains me, there are certain rules you maybe should keep in mind while doing this, or every German person reading your fanfiction will spend more time laughing than enjoying the actual writing.  
If you don't care whether the German in your fanfiction is right or wrong, that's of course cool, too. In that case, just ignore this :]  
For everyone who's interested: Don't take this as an insult, but as a little assistance. We want your fanfictions to turn out awesome just as much as you do :D

German is a rather complicated language, and nobody will jugde you, if you don't know a thing about German grammar. Most people won't even notice. Still, there might be some Germans reading your fanfic, and they will end up laughing hysterically if they stumble across an awkward German sentence in the middle of a beautifully tragic or romantic scene.  
So, here's some help on the most common German phrases in fanfiction, together with explanations and warnings, Dos and Don'ts, for all your Gavin fanfiction needs! (Probably going to be extended as soon as we stumble across other problems.)  
Of course, if you have any questions, translation problems or uncertainties concerning the use of German in your fanfic, feel free to ask! :D

**First some side notes:**

– In German, words have a gender. That means you have to be careful with adjectives and possessive pronouns - be sure to use the right variant!

– Also, Germans have those nasty cases. These are rather complex, so you should never try to formulate a sentence on your own if you don't know a thing about German grammar. Just use sentences the dictionary gives you.

– The plural form of most nouns in German is not only an "s". In fact, there are a lot of different possibilities! E.g., for "Fräulein", adding and "s" is okay, but the plural form of "Herr" is "Herren". The safe way is simply looking it up in a dictionary every time you need a plural form.

- Watch out for those Umlaute! You may think it does not make a difference, but there is a HUGE difference between words like "Bär" and "Bar". Trust me, you don't want your protagonist to walk into a bear instead of a bar, do you?

– In general, if you use a word, you should be sure about its connotation and whether the word really does mean what you think it means. Most dictionaries tend to give you very formal variants, and some translations don't fit in any context. Try to look for examples or annotations in the dictionary entry! Be careful with phrases and wordplays, as they can't always be translated word by word.

One last thing: In case you were wondering - Klavier's German does not make much sense. He's a walking and talking cliché, and he's using clichéd expressions and "ja?" at all the wrong places - but well, that's the whole fun of it. Yet no matter how silly and stupid Klavier's gratuitous German might be, you'd still want to do it right, ja?

So let's get down to the nitty-gritty!

**1. Gibberish made by Google**

Never EVER use or any other online translating thingies.  
Just... don't.  
Here's an example (from a fanfiction I don't remember right now) that I sent through the google translator to turn it back to English: "everything is my brother, forgive, you can crazy, but I still love you" And it's still worse than this, because in German, the grammar is even more fucked up.

**2. You = ...? **

Germans have this strange and silly habit of addressing persons they don't know well or they aren't that close to with "Sie" instead of "du", which leads to all kinds of complications - and it's probably best if you don't even try.  
Just remember never to use the formal "Sie" for relatives, friends and good acquaintances, no matter what the dictionary tells you (dictionaries and especially online translators tend to spit out the formal way of addressing someone). Sticking to "du" will usually do for all your fanfiction needs.

**3. Ich love dyou?**

Not really something I've seen being done wrong, but it's still important.

I love you. ≠ Ich liebe dich.

I like you. ≠ Ich hab dich lieb.

I like you. = Ich mag dich.

You would use "I love you." for your family, for your friends and everyone you feel very close to. "Ich liebe dich." has a much stronger meaning, it is exclusively used for your boy/girlfriend or wife/husband etc. You would USUALLY not tell your brother "Ich liebe dich." (Of course you can still insert it into your fanfiction, if you want to depict their relationship as a little... weird. Which I would approve of in any case.)  
The same goes for "Ich hab dich lieb.", which is a sentence that has a slightly stronger connotation and implies a closer relationship than "I like you". But it also sounds a little childish, so I wouldn't exactly use it for Kristoph to tell it anyone ;]

**4. Schönen guten Abend, Ciao, Tschüssi**

Somebody already had this problem, not knowing how Klavier would tell goodbye in German. In this special case, it was about a phone call.  
Klavier would not tell Kristoph "Auf Wiederhören." on the telephone. It's much too formal. Not even Kristoph would use it to tell Klavier goodbye. He would in any case use it to talk to business partners.  
Pretty typical for Klavier would be "Bis dann.", in any case, not only on the telephone. "Bis später" is the same as "see you later" and works just as well. Also "Mach's gut." could be nice.

With Kristoph it's more complicated. He has a more formal way of talking, but in German everything sounds stilted pretty easily. So please don't make Kristoph tell Klavier "Leb wohl." or stuff like this. He would probably greet people with a simple "Guten Tag.", strangers or business partners with "Schönen guten Tag.", and tell those strangers and business partners goodbye saying "Auf Wiedersehen".

But careful, you wouldn't say "Auf Wiedersehen." to a more closer person like your little brother or friend ;] At this point even Kristoph could use the much less formal "Mach's gut." or "Wir sehen uns."

DON'T make them say "Tschüss." or "Tschüssi." It sounds just absolutely gay in the stupid way.

Oh, last but not least: "Gute Nacht." is something you only tell people when you're going to sleep.

**5. Mein Bruder **

Never ever make either Gavin address the other as "Bruder" or even "mein Bruder". It is not only absolutely anachronistic to call your brother like that in German, it also has an extremely weird connotation due to a very popular German comedy movie ( ► "Der Schuh des Manitu"). If you still want to include this word in your fanfiction, note that the plural of "Bruder" is "Brüder". Of course despite the connotation you can use it as much as you want except for the case of addressing someone.

**6. Alternatives**

You can however, if you REALLY want them to call each other by their family relation, either use "Brüderchen" (only in ironic situations! Like Klavier teasing him, or Kristoph being highly sarcastic).

Or you can make them call each other "Bruderherz". But you should not forget that this term is also VERY anachronistic and tacky. It should only be used in EXTREMELY ironic situations (i.e. Klavier visiting Kristoph in prison after sending him there, Kristoph welcoming him and calling him "Bruderherz" in the process).

**7. Achtung Baby!**

"Achtung!" actually means "look out!" as an exclamation, so if you yell "Achtung!", every German will be in a state of alert. Except when you use it as a silly U2 reference.

**8. Ach ich Armer...**

"Ach" is perfectly okay in combinations like "Ach, fine!" or the like, as an exclamation of resignation and frustration. Never use it to show sorrow or distress - or it will sound like a monologue in a very old drama (very similar to "Alas!").

**9. I wool you!**

Okay, now I know nobody really feels like doing long-winded research when all they want is to write a good oldfashioned PWP sporting one of the Gavins and some whispered sexy German words.

But pleasepleaseplease, take the time. I know nobody but us Germans will notice, but we DO notice and when we're reading a nice sexy scene and Klavier is telling something to Apollo that's along the lines of "Ich wolle dich!"... well, I can tell you, the last thing I'm thinking about is the pretty scene at this point.

And much worse, if Kristoph tells Klavier something like that. Because in this case, instead of having sexytimes with Kristoph, Klavier would just burst out laughing in his face.

I know German is a difficult language and it's pretty easy to overlook mistakes. But one single letter makes the difference between this hawt little extra Germaness in your fanfiction and an unintentional laughing fit.

Ask Germans! If you don't know any Germans, for heaven's sake, ask ME. I'm always glad to help and as I said, I want your Gavin-fanfictions to turn out great just as much as you do ;]

**10. I body you! **

Something very short and general: ie ≠ ei!

It makes such a strong difference like you wouldn't believe! If you write "Ich leibe dich" instead of "Ich liebe dich", you went from romantic to involuntarily ridiculous.

**11. Mein Fraulinchenleinchen**

Well, Klavier does use this word a lot, so it should be adressed here.  
It's Fräulein.

Not Fraulein, not Fraulin and not Frauline and REALLY not Fraulinchen and oh ma GAWD what's a Fraülien?

I've seen this done wrong SO many times I lost count. Fräulein already IS the diminutive of Frau, so please stop trying making a diminutive of it.  
One more thing about the Fraulein: I know your keyboard does not have an "ä", but why don't you just copy it? You just have to search for "Fraulein" on google and the first thing popping up is a big blue "Fräulein" (or copy it from here!).  
If you really can't find any "ä" ANYWHERE since you have no internet connection because you are living in a cave or for whatever other reason... you can always write "ae" instead of "ä" (same goes for ö=oe, ü=ue). It may look stupid, but it's right. You may think it doesn't make a difference, but trust me. It does.

Also for everyone who writes Klavier/Ema: Detective ≠ Detektiv. Detective = Inspektor.

**12. Nicknames and pet names**

"Schatz" translates to "dear/darling", and is used by married couples, especially in movies, and nothing a sane young person would ever say to anyone. "Schätzi" does not exist.

Never use any nicknames with "lein" or "chen". Just please, please, don't.

**13. The little Piano is called whatnow?**

Don't. Make. ANYBODY. Call Kristoph "Krissi".

Really. Don't.  
Same goes for "Klavi".

I would love to give them a cute abbreviated nickname as well, but Krissi is a girl's name and sounds REALLY stupid in German if used for a boy, and Klavi just doesn't make any sense. No German in their right mind would ever shorten the name to this, as there's no way in hell you'd ever cut the last syllable right in the middle.

That doesn't have anything to do with personal preferences, it just. Sounds. Dumb.

Trust me.

PS: For English speaking characters, calling Klavier "Klav" does work, yet again this is nothing Germans (and especially Kristoph) would do. In general, Germans don't shorten names that only consist of two syllables.

**14. Sometimes you just feel sorry. **

In English you say "I'm sorry." or maybe "I'm so sorry." or "I'm so very sorry.". Oh, and there's "Forgive me".

But in German, there are SO many different forms to say sorry, and every single one is used in different situations. It's like we're the masters of apologizing. So let's make a little list, shall we?

Sorry. – you can say that in German, too, it's a little colloquial, but very common if nothing big happened. i.e. used when you are stepping on a friend's toes accidentally.

'Tschuldigung. / 'Tschuldige. – Exactly the same as "Sorry".

Entschuldigung. – This is a more formal way to say sorry for the same kind of situation. You can also say "Entschuldigung." if some stranger on the street is standing in your way and you have to get through.

Entschuldigen Sie. / Entschuldigen Sie bitte. – Asking a stranger for the direction to the nearest train station? This is how you are beginning your sentence.

Entschuldige bitte. – Not used to apologize. It's always used in an ironic kind of way, you know, like "Well, excuuuuuuse me, princess!" ;]

Entschuldige mich bitte. / Bitte entschuldigen Sie mich. – It's a formal way of what you could say when you're at a restaurant with someone you don't know that well and you need to go to the bathroom or something for a second.

Es tut mir Leid. – That's what you tell somebody for every minor and major offense you might have caused, maybe you broke somebody's vase, maybe you didn't think of their birthday. It's very common and used very often.

Tut mir Leid. – Same as "Es tut mir Leid" but more colloquial.

Verzeihen Sie. – Pretty much the same as "Entschuldigen Sie".

Verzeih mir. – imho one of the most beautiful German phrases and perfect for somebody begging for forgiveness.

Verzeih. – REALLY anachronistic. You really shouldn't use this.

Vergeben Sie mir. – Sounds like you are begging some emperor to forgive you. I can't think of any modern situation where you could use this.

Vergib mir. – It's almost the same as "Verzeih mir", but imho not as pretty.

**15. Pornographic German = NO-NO! **

If it really is not absolutely required for some reason, NEVER try to use sex-related words in German. It always, and with always I mean ALWAYS sounds absolutely awkward and ridiculous.  
Even we Germans prefer to use English for our smut-rpgs/-pwps. If we can, that is. The reason is that German sex vocabulary sounds like right out of a low standard porn movie. For example: There is no German equivalent for "cock". Every German word you can use to refer to a penis sounds somehow embarrassing. We Germans are very uptight about stuff like this it seems 8D

**Short dictionary of UGGGGF(FIGG)**

Things like Ja, Nein, Danke, Bitte should be clear by now, but here's a short list of sentences you can use in your fanfictions without any German laughing at you, isn't that great? 8D

Hello. - Hallo.

Good morning. - Guten Morgen.

Formal way of saying hello all day long. - Guten Tag

Good afternoon. - No German equivalent. It's also Guten Tag.

Good evening. - Guten Abend.

Good night. - Gute Nacht. (only used when going to bed/sleep)  
How are you? - Wie geht's dir?

I love you. – Ich liebe dich.

I like you. – Ich mag dich.

I adore you. – Ich verehre dich. (sounds pretty corny in German.)

I want you. – Ich will dich.

I need you. – Ich brauche dich.  
I'm crazy about you. - Ich bin verrückt nach dir. (sounds rather cute, so it's more Klavier-ish and not something Kristoph would use)

Screw you / Fuck you - Fick dich.

I want to / I'd like to / I need/have to ask you something - Ich will / ich möchte / ich muss dich etwas fragen.

I have no idea. – Keine Ahnung.

Don't leave. - Geh nicht.

Don't leave me. - Verlass mich nicht.

Don't leave me alone. - Lass mich nicht allein.

* * *

That's it for now. If you have further questions, requests, need specific sentences or more explanations: feel free to ask in the comments or send a message. We will expand the guide as soon as we find stuff to add.

We hope that you find this useful.  
Feedback and critique is appreciated 3

Also, bis dann! :D


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